Trapped In Shadows
by SoldierOfMyShadowyMind
Summary: Thomas and Jimmy are having a secret relationship and are perfectly happy. Everything seems to be good. After the midnight kiss Thomas can still hardly believe that Jimmy truly loves him. But he does and so they're leading a happy, untroubled life at Downton till Jimmy suddenly gets ill and Thomas finds himself trapped in shadows... Rated M for M/M slash.
1. First Signs

_**Ok, sorry, the first chapter isn't the best but the others will be, um, better? and - of course ;P - more dramatic ;). I had to almost completely re-write the story and I hope there are no mistakes concerning the show in it anymore. Oh well, apologies for any grammar or spelling mistakes. Reviews are always very much appreciated! ;D**_

* * *

**Chapter 1**

**First Signs**

_Everything in life has its price even the things of which we think we get as a present._

_#_

_(Thomas's point of view)_

Thomas opened his eyes. The sun that shone through the curtains had woken him up. He turned around to look at his clock. 5.30 am. In only half an hour another day full of hard work would begin. He sighed.

Suddenly he felt Jimmy move at his side. For a while Thomas watched him silently.

_He's so cute and beautiful when he sleeps._

Thomas ran his hand through Jimmy's golden hair which was a total mess just like every morning.

He smiled, but then his eyes turned blue. If only they had more time to spend together…

A deep sigh escaped from his lips. It was so hard to hide his feelings for Jimmy when they were with the others. And that was the case most of the time.

But he was happy. Perfectly happy.

Thomas wrapped his arms around Jimmy. His younger friend nestled closer to him, still fast asleep.

_His _Jimmy.

How long had he been dreaming about this moment? He could hardly remember that. But he also didn't want to think about the time before his secret relationship with Jimmy. It was just too wonderful to live in the here and now, although it wasn't always easy to keep the others in ignorance. But that was a challenge they both had accepted. Sometimes it was quite funny to play act. Thomas smiled, lost in thought. He lost himself in daydreams very often lately. But to be in loving, intimate togetherness thinking about their relationship made him happy. It helped him to leave the last years behind and to put an end to his earlier, bad and dark experiences and memories. To cut a long story short, Jimmy was his one and only and he would never, _never ever_ let anything happen to him. No one else ever meant so much to him.

_Isn't it strange how strong love can be?_

Thomas clearly remembered the time when they first met. All he had to go through.

_Don't think about that. It's over._

A little more than two years had passed since Jimmy came to Downton. And almost a year they were like this. Trying to hide their relationship. Every evening Jimmy came to his room to spend the night next to him.

Thomas starred at the ceiling. The rays of the morning sun were drawing ornaments on the white wall. He let his thoughts float for a while. But then, almost to bring him back to reality, Jimmy sighed quietly in his sleep. Thomas turned to him. He reached out a hand to gently touch his face. But something made him flinch. Jimmy's face was scorching hot! The expression on Thomas's face turned to worry.

"Jimmy?" he asked. "Jimmy, wake up!"

Jimmy slightly moved then he opened his eyes to glance dozily at him.

"What time is it?" he whispered in a tired voice.

"Almost six" Thomas answered. "How do you feel? Is everything all right?"

"Yes, of course. Why?"

"Because you're not looking good, Jimmy. Your face is burning!"

Jimmy touched his forehead. He creased his eyebrows in confusion.

"I can't feel anything" he said.

Thomas looked at him, worried. "We have to call Dr Clarkson" he said.

"No, I'm fine, Thomas, really!" Jimmy tried to convince him.

Before Thomas could say anything else, they heard a knocking on the door. "Get up!" someone shouted.

Thomas frowned at the door. He crawled out of bed and began dressing. Jimmy tumbled as he tried to stand up but then he redressed his balance and stood on his feet, gazing annoyingly at Thomas.

"I'm fine, okay?"

"I'm just worrying about you. You're looking quite pale."

"Everything's alright. I'm just a bit tired. I think I'm not getting enough sleep."

"Yes, maybe" Thomas sighed with resignation.

#

At the breakfast table things were like every day. There was chatting all around him and made it really hard for Thomas to concentrate. But then he finally felt his mind drift away. Yes, he was worried about Jimmy. He really didn't look healthy at all. But on the other hand he was talking and eating like everything was normal.

_But what is normal? _

Suddenly a loud noise broke through his mind. Someone had made a joke and everybody at the table laughed.

Except Thomas. His thoughts were somewhere else.

"Thomas?" He heard his name being called from far away, trying to get to his mind.

"Thomas?" The voice got more insistent.

He raised his head. It was Anna.

"Is everything ok?" she asked.

"Sure" he mumbled. "I'm just… a bit tired, that's all."

The same excuse that Jimmy had used this morning. Barely noticeable Thomas shook his head with a frown.

As the day went on nothing important happened. It was already afternoon when Mr Carson called him to his office. He wanted him to go into the village and run an errand for him.

And so he did. Thomas went down to the village and into the post office to post the telegram Mr Carson had given to him. He was curious about its content but he didn't open it. He never would!

_Really?_

But another thing was bothering him today. He couldn't stop thinking about Jimmy. And he couldn't get rid of the feeling that something bad would happen sooner or later.

And he should be right.

#

As he returned to Downton Abbey, he immediately knew that something was wrong.

_Where is everyone?_

Then another thing struck him.

_I know that coat…_

_Dr Clarkson is here!_

_Jimmy!_

Feeling totally upset he ran up the stairs to find a little crowd standing in the corridor outside Jimmy's room.

"What…?" he began but was cut short by Daisy running towards him.

"Mr Barrow! He collapsed as we were preparing the dinner in the kitchen! He just fell to the ground without any warning!"

"Jimmy!" Thomas exclaimed, barely noticing Daisy. He made his way through the crowd and finally got into Jimmy's room. His friend lay on the bed, breathing hard, sweat on his forehead. Dr Clarkson was standing next to the bed, examining him.

Thomas gazed around. Anna and Mr Carson were in the room, too. Anna came up to him, laying her hand onto his arm.

"We don't know what it is. He just…"

Thomas nodded, too upset to tell her that he was already informed about what had happened.

Dr Clarkson turned to them. "I'm not absolutely certain but it only seems to be a stronger influenza. He'll be fine in a couple of days."

Thomas sighed with relief.

_It's only a flu. Calm down._

"I'll leave some medicine here so that you can take care of him." Dr Clarkson said. He took his bag and left the room. Carson followed him.

"Thank you for coming, Dr Clarkson" Thomas heard him say as they went down the corridor.

Then he finally moved. Leaving Anna where she was he took a few steps towards the bed. For the moment he totally forgot to act normal. But was that really necessary in such a situation? They all liked Jimmy, he was their friend. It wouldn't look too strange.

Thomas sat down at the edge of the bed. He realised Anna ushering the others out of the room and down to the servant's hall.

_Thank you, Anna, _Thomas said silently.

He reached out a hand to gently nudge Jimmy's arm. His lover was quiet now. His chest went slowly up and down.

"Hey" Thomas whispered softly.

Jimmy's head turned towards him. An exhausted smile appeared on his face.

"You gave me quite a nasty shock, you little I'm-pretending-I'm-fine" Thomas said under his breath.

"I'm fine" Jimmy said with a tired grin.

Thomas shook his head in amusement. "That's how I know my Jimmy."

He spent the rest of the evening looking after Jimmy. Mrs Hughes finally allowed him to do so, knowing they were good friends – yes, she _really_ believed that although she knew about Thomas's…orientation – and having Alfred and Carson serving the dinner.

Or maybe she sensed something but was so kind to not say a word.

#

Late that night Thomas slumped himself on his bed.

_God, I'm tired!_

It had been a long day full of bad surprises, shock, and yet, relief. Closing his eyes, he let out a deep sigh.

_Man, what a day! _

All his thoughts were still circling around Jimmy. He wanted so badly to go to him and stay by his side the whole night but he knew it was impossible. It was too likely that at last someone saw them together. There was constantly somebody looking after Jimmy now. Thomas understood that. But he would prefer to be alone with him. He lay on his bed staring at the ceiling, thoughts running through his mind. He was very relieved that it was only flu Jimmy had contracted with.

_Don't worry. Didn't you hear what Dr Clarkson said? He'll be fine in a few days._

Yes. Jimmy would recover and everything would go back to normal.

_But what is normal, again?_

Thomas felt himself slowly dozing off.

_You should go to sleep now. Tomorrow everything will look different._

Shadows danced around him and the dark came closer until he was fast asleep.


	2. Promises

_**A/N: Thanks Mental for the correction ;). Yes, I meant "half" not "have" ;). Already corrected ;). And a magical unicorn would be best ;D. (hm, let me see how I can write that into the story... ;D)**_

_**Alright, here's the next chapter.**_

* * *

**Chapter 2**

**Promises**

_If love is truth then let it break my heart._

_#_

The days passed by. Thomas spent every free minute with Jimmy. He cured fast and within only five days he almost totally recovered.

One afternoon they were sitting on a bench in the courtyard.

"You see, everything's alright. No need to worry" Jimmy beamed at him, his golden locks being messed up by a sudden breeze.

Thomas barely noticed Jimmy for he was trying to light up a cigarette and failing at the attempt. "Bugger" he mumbled under his breath and frowned at the lighter.

"Hey, I told you to stop smoking! It's not good for you!" Jimmy said with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Don't you tell me what's good for me" Thomas replied while he was still trying to force the lighter to ignite. With a curse he finally threw it away looking displeased at the silver thing lying on the stony ground of the courtyard.

A few moments they sat in full silence, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

It was Jimmy who finally broke the silence. "Thommy?"

"Hm?"

"I love you."

Thomas turned to look at him, a little bit surprised. "I know. And I love you, too, Jimmy."

"I just wanted you to know that" came the quiet reply.

Instead of an answer Thomas leaned forward to gently kiss him. As their eyes met Jimmy smiled shyly. They didn't need words to understand each other.

#

Mr Carson still didn't allow Jimmy to work – what was kind of a wonder – so he had nothing to do all day long. He used his free time mainly to distract Thomas from working.

"Don't you have something better to do than to get on my nerves?"

"I thought you'd like a little interruption" Jimmy replied in a soppy voice. Shyly and downcast he lowered his head and looked at his feet. Standing in the doorframe with his hands in his pockets and his eyes cast to the ground he looked like a little child that had been caught doing something forbidden.

Thomas knew that he was acting. Nevertheless, Jimmy succeeded again and again with this method and he couldn't be mad at him for long. But how could he be angry with him at all?

Thomas took a few steps towards him and gently fondled his cheek with his finger. "Of course I do. But _one_ interruption. You are distracting me all the time. Mr Carson wouldn't appreciate that."

"Since when do you care about what Mr Carson thinks?"

"Since… Doesn't matter. If you want we can meet later when…"

Jimmy's eyes immediately began to shine as he glanced up at Thomas, a triumphant smile forming on his lips.

"When I finished my work", Thomas continued stretching and emphasising every word. He knew exactly that Jimmy wanted to achieve that. And he could understand him; they had too little time to spend in sound togetherness.

"And when will that be?" Jimmy asked impatiently with a now wide beam on his face.

Thomas leaned closer to him and whispered in his ear, "At five o'clock in the courtyard. I think I can manage to escape for some time then." He quickly gazed around, and when he was sure that nobody could see them, he placed a light kiss on Jimmy's lips. He smiled when he saw the content grin on his lover's face. Thomas frowned at him but seeing the look on Jimmy's face he couldn't hold it for long. Finally he joined his grin.

"Alright, now get lost unless you want anyone to see us together!" Thomas gave him a little push and Jimmy vanished but not without turning around at least once. Impatiently Thomas gestured him to go away.

_Such a bold boy! But I can't resist him._

Thomas shook his head with a smile.

Love was a strange thing.

#

Jimmy already waited for him in the courtyard when Thomas came to the back entrance that afternoon.

"There you are! I'm waiting for you for almost half an hour now!"

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't manage to get away earlier. Alfred followed me like a shadow the whole time! I almost thought he was glued to me. Luckily I finally managed to get rid of him."

He turned around to make sure that Alfred didn't see him leave; then he walked up to Jimmy and followed him to the little wood that grew near the abbey. For a while they walked in full silence. They enjoyed having time for each other. The permanent sneakiness got on Thomas's nerves sometimes but this was still much better than to bear mocking or disgusted comments from the others, especially from Alfred or O'Brien. It was good that no one knew about them.

_Very good. I don't even dare to imagine someone finding out. What a horrible idea… _

Urged by the sudden wish to hear Jimmy's voice, he tried to start a conversation.

"This place is wonderful, isn't it?"

Jimmy nodded. "Yes, I like it very much. It's so wonderfully quiet."

"And it's all ours." Thomas looked at him affectionately.

Jimmy smiled and interlocked his fingers with Thomas's.

For a while they just walked side by side trough the silent nature.

Suddenly Thomas said, "Do you remember the first time we met?"

Jimmy laughed. "How could I forget that? Your look when I was standing there in the door. You looked as if I was a…"

"…an angel?" Thomas finished the sentence for him.

Jimmy snuffled. "I'd rather say…"

"Because that's exactly what you are." Thomas stopped and looked at him. His eyes were soft and revealed all his affectionate feelings. He cupped Jimmy's face with his hands and leaned in slowly to tenderly kiss him. Jimmy closed his eyes and kissed him back. He brought his arms around Thomas's neck and surrendered to the moment.

It had something magic to it with the afternoon sun shining warmly down on them; enlightening the place with an orange and yellow shimmer. Thomas felt as if time had stopped. He deepened the kiss a little more and an overwhelming feeling of happiness flowed through his body making him shiver. Everything felt unimportant at that wonderful moment. It was only him and Jimmy that mattered now.

When Thomas detached from the embrace he smiled shyly. Jimmy let his head gently rest on Thomas's chest and let himself being hugged. Thomas pressed him gently against his body. His chin rested on Jimmy's head. He kissed him on his hair. They stood silent for a moment and enjoyed their togetherness. For a while both of them said nothing.

Thomas let his mind wander. He somehow still couldn't believe it. All the unpleasant events of the past, all the quarrel between them that had kept them from forming a relationship naturally was still so present in his mind. But it didn't matter anymore. Jimmy loved him. He smiled. They had grown considerably closer after the fair and had become good friends until Jimmy had finally found the courage to tell Thomas his true feelings for him. Now Thomas couldn't imagine living only one single day without Jimmy. He didn't understand why he loved him so much, so very dearly.

_Why him? What is so special about him?_

He couldn't find an answer to that question. But it didn't matter anyway. His love for Jimmy was undying and he never questioned it.

_Why should I? This is all I ever wanted. And now I have it. Eventually. And Jimmy _is_ special. He's my little boy, my one true love._

He was happy. There was no other word to describe it. He had almost forgotten how it felt to be happy, to be loved until Jimmy had come to his room that particular night. When he had confessed his feelings.

The gentle smile on Thomas's lips widened when he thought about this moment when life had been good to him for the first time.

_Already so far away but still so near._

The bonds of love that connected them were strong. And no one could ever destroy it.

_Never have I loved somebody so dearly as Jimmy._

Thomas sighed quietly. The moment was wonderful. The silence which wrapped its wings around them made him feel warm and relaxed.

Then Jimmy whispered softly, "Promise me that we'll always stay together. That nothing can ever separate us."

"I promise." Thomas mumbled into his golden hair. After a short pause he said, "This may sound totally soppy and kitschy but…when I first saw you...I immediately fell in love with you, Jimmy. You captured my heart. You own it. So please be careful with it, okay?"

Jimmy nestled closer to him. "That really sounds soppy. But also terribly cute." He tilted his head to look at his lover. The warm afternoon sun reflected in his deep blue eyes. "I don't understand why I needed such a long time to realise that you are the only one I want to be with."

"True love needs time" Thomas replied quietly. He raised a hand and ran it through Jimmy's hair. His tender smile mirrored all the endless and unconditional love he felt for Jimmy.

"I never want to lose you. And I will never let you down. I'm always there for you, Jimmy" Thomas swore in a tender, loving voice.

In this very moment Thomas knew that no one could ever put an end to their love. It was keen and endless and it made him strong.

The sun began setting and the air became fresh. The two of them wandered along the estate hand in hand for a while before they returned to the abbey.


	3. Not the right time

_**A/N: I'm so sorry for this hideously late update but I had a serious problem with my computer. Everything's fine now again so I hope I can update more frequently. So, err, this is the first time I wrote slash so please forgive me if it is not what you expected. **_

* * *

**Chapter 3**

**Not the right time**

_Shards should be cleared away in the evening so that you can't cut yourself on them in the morning._

_#_

This evening, it was almost midnight, Thomas suddenly heard a tentative knock on his door. He stood up and answered.

It was Jimmy.

"Still haven't had enough, eh?"

Jimmy smiled shyly.

"Alright, come in." Thomas opened the door a little further so that Jimmy could slip through it. Thomas squeezed the door shut behind him. It snapped in place with a _click_.

He turned around and watched Jimmy with an enquiring look for a while. Then, when he'd probably made him totally insecure, he smiled and lay down next to him on the bed. Jimmy snuggled up to him and laid his head on Thomas's arm. He could feel his steady heartbeat. Jimmy inclined his head to glance up at him. Thomas's eyes were directed at the ceiling.

"What are thinking about?" Jimmy felt the move of Thomas's shoulders as he shrugged.

"Don't know."

"But you have to know what you're thinking about."

"About this and that…"

"That's not very precise."

"You always have to know everything, eh?"

"Exactly." Jimmy grinned.

Instead of an answer Thomas quietened. Lost in thought he played with a strand of Jimmy's hair. The moonlight that shone through the curtains made the left side of Thomas's face disappear in the dark. The sharp contrast between light and shadow on his face fascinated Jimmy for a moment. But he didn't forget that he was still waiting for an answer.

Finally Thomas said in a dreamy voice, which revealed that his thoughts were somewhere else, "I thought about the time before you came to Downton."

Jimmy gave him a questioning glance. "And…what happened back then?"

Thomas sighed. "Many things" he said vaguely. After a short pause he added, "After the war everything changed. Those were hard times and finally I found myself working at Downton again. I tried for something else before but it went pretty bad so I practically had no choice. Actually, I wanted to go somewhere else and do whatever I wanted to, you know?"

"So, I think I'm glad that you stayed" Jimmy grinned.

"Now I can't think of anything else" Thomas philosophised. "What would I've done if I'd never met you?"

"Oh, I don't want to think about that." Jimmy cuddled up closer to him and Thomas wrapped his arm around him. He fondly kissed him on his forehead. Then he looked him in the eyes.

_He has such beautiful eyes. I could lose myself constantly in them._

He leaned his head forward a bit so that their foreheads were touching gently.

"I love you Jimmy Kent. I love you so terribly much" he whispered with a tender smile. Jimmy thought to also see a hint of sadness in it. But he said nothing.

"I love you too, Thomas."

Totally unexpected Thomas rolled over him so that he lay on top of him. He kissed him once more. The desperation in this kiss surprised Jimmy. But he returned it. He brought his arms around Thomas's neck and pulled him down. The kiss grew more intense. They didn't detach until both of them couldn't breathe anymore.

Jimmy giggled as he tried to catch his breath.

"Already tired?" Thomas asked ironically.

"How could I?" Jimmy blinked at him conspiratorially.

Thomas gingerly pushed Jimmy's now messed up hair back. There was no trace of the sadness anymore Jimmy had seen earlier in his eyes.

Thomas gently touched his lips. His hand ran from his face over his neck down to his chest, where it rested directly upon his heart. Thomas could feel Jimmy's heartbeat getting faster and faster and his chest going restlessly up and down. He let his hand travel a little further down Jimmy's body and pushed it under Jimmy's shirt. Whilst touching his skin he bent down and kissed him once more. He felt his own heart speed up. Jimmy touched his cheek. Then this wonderful wry smile Thomas loved so much and which he couldn't resist appeared on his face.

"You drive me crazy" he muttered, his lips on Jimmy's neck.

"That's my intention" the footman aspirated in a hushed tone.

Thomas went on kissing him. Before he could stop him, the under-butler ripped off Jimmy's shirt and let it fall to the ground. Thomas smiled wildly at him.

"Who doesn't get enough, eh?" Jimmy grinned. The expression in his eyes was tempting. Thomas playfully lifted an eyebrow, but said nothing. His eyes spoke volumes. He let himself being carried away into another kiss. Jimmy pulled his shirt over his head and threw it away as well. He laid his hands on Thomas's naked skin. He could feel his spine as he ran one hand over his back. Thomas closed his eyes at the touch. He tried to breathe normally but that wasn't easy due to the curiously exploring fingers on his skin. Jimmy let his hand linger on his back. He raised his head. His lips lightly brushed against Thomas's ear before he pressed them gently but at the same time seductively against his throat. Thomas moaned at the sensation.

"You're leading me into temptation" he mumbled.

Jimmy chuckled. He turned the other man around so that he lay on top of Thomas now. Jimmy's eyes flashed wildly. Thomas grinned at him. Then he suddenly grabbed Jimmy and threw him around. The crazy giggling of his younger lover grew louder.

"Did you think I would give up that easily?" Thomas's voice sounded provocative. The smirk on his face vanished as he ran his tongue along Jimmy's jawline finally pressing his lips against Jimmy's. The kiss was wilder and fiercer and Jimmy could feel a desire rise in his chest, his body suddenly shaking with a strong craving for physical contact. He let his tongue slip into his lover's mouth were it collided with Thomas's. Deepening the kiss Jimmy let out a slight moan and ignoring the warning of his mind to draw back and end this he gave in to the feeling which now possessed his body, a longing for more. Thomas seemed to feel the same for he suddenly sat up, sliding back to sit at Jimmy's feet, hastily ripping the trouser buttons open and jerking the unwanted clothing off, letting it fall to the ground as well where it joined their shirts. The blond watched him, observing his movements with curiosity to then imitate his actions. Failing at the attempt the under-butler helped him and so the rest of the fabric disappeared quickly leaving them to a state of body they had never really experienced together before. Exploring their capabilities Thomas bent down to trace light kisses up Jimmy's chest and when he laid his body on top of Jimmy's the footman felt his warm skin brush against his own and shuddered at the arousing feeling below his hips. The sensation intensified and Jimmy couldn't help but shiver as it reached the peak of bearableness.

Both of them breathed heavily yet none of them wanted the other to stop. Slowly getting obsessed with it Thomas began to be more feral. This was like a drug and he found himself strongly addicted to it. He kissed Jimmy's inner thigh causing his lover to groan at the sensation. Thomas ran a hand over Jimmy's chest exploring his skin. Reaching his cheek he crawled over him once more kissing him passionately. The younger man closed his eyes. He could feel Thomas's warm and hard breath hit his neck as his face dived into his flesh, his tongue trailing along his collar bone. Every breath ached in his chest but Jimmy didn't care. Now was the time and he wanted Thomas more than ever. Never before had he felt such a strong desire but it pleasured him. He enjoyed being so close. It was as if he had waited for this for too long and now his body was exploding at the feeling of their actions. Their proximity made him feel warm and wanted; the mere thought of what they were doing sent shivers down his spine. Jimmy wanted to do something himself, wanted to make his lover feel as he did, so he pressed his lips against Thomas's, his hands running through the other man's dark and now messed up hair. Jimmy's grip grew fiercer as he pushed his body against Thomas's, causing the under-butler to let out a painful sound at Jimmy pulling at his hair.

The darkness around them heated up, the temperature increased by the second. Now panting heavily Thomas collapsed on Jimmy's body feeling totally exhausted. He rolled over to the side to lie flat on his back, his chest rising up and down and his breath shaking as he gasped for air.

Jimmy grabbed his hand interlocking their fingers and clutching their hands tightly together. His golden hair stuck sweaty to his forehead and he had to close his eyes when he rested his head against the pillow. Thomas could feel his body next to him. His chest ached as he tried to catch his breath. He felt Jimmy's hand on his arm, his fingers slowly creeping up to his chin. Exhaustion temporarily forgotten he snapped at Jimmy's hand with a sudden hint of daftness. The blond shrieked and pulled his hand away. He almost choked on his laughter. Thomas hoarsely joined his giggling being barely able to voice any sound.

Jimmy crawled up closer to him and snuggling up beside Thomas he rested his head on Thomas's chest. For a while they lay like this in the dark listening to each other's breath.

"Thomas?" Jimmy finally asked.

"Hm?"

"You never told me anything about your family."

"Why do you say that?" Thomas suddenly sounded nervous.

"Just…I mean, actually I don't know anything about you."

"You know that I love you. Unconditionally. Isn't that enough?" Thomas began to feel uncomfortable.

_Why does he have to bring that topic up now?_

"I want to know more." As Thomas refused to answer, Jimmy added, "Please, Thommy."

"No." The answer was harsher than Thomas intended it to be.

Jimmy was upset by the cold tone in his voice.

"Why not?" he insisted.

"Because. I just don't like to talk about that." Thomas's jaw tightened.

"But you can tell me, surely. I'm your lover." Jimmy tried to sound playful.

That made Thomas lose his patience. He jumped up. "Don't you see when it's enough?"

"But…"

"I said I don't want to talk about that, get it?" Thomas shot an angry glare at him which unmistakably seemed to say _Shut up!_

The cosy atmosphere was destroyed and an awkward feeling settled between the two of them.

Jimmy silenced embarrassed.

"Go now" Thomas huffed.

As Jimmy didn't move Thomas got impatient. "Didn't you listen? I said go!"

"That's not bloody fair!" Jimmy shouted suddenly. The anger in his voice was too obvious to ignore it. "You're thinking you always have the right to know everything, but you're never telling _me_ anything!"

"I said…" Thomas began but was cut short by a yelling Jimmy.

"No! I'm not going! How can I love you when I know nothing about you? Tell me! Because I don't understand it! You're always making such a big deal about your past. Why?"

"None of your business. And now get out. I'm tired."

"None of my business?! Of course it is!"

Thomas lost his temper. He pulled Jimmy rudely out of the bed and pushed him to the door. "Back off now! I don't want to see you anymore!" God damn it! That was hard. Thomas knew that. But at the moment this was the only chance to make him go.

Jimmy hastily picked up his trousers off the floor and put it on. The look that he gave Thomas after saying these terrible words broke Thomas's heart. But he tried not to notice it and thrust Jimmy through the door and out of his room. He glared once more at him before slamming the door shut, a little louder than necessary.

Thomas stood in the dark, motionless. He starred at the wall feeling horribly troubled and unsettled inside. He was furious. Why did Jimmy have to bring this topic up now? He had felt so wonderfully happy before.

_Why does he do that?!_

Thomas felt his body start to shiver. Something shook him. He tumbled towards his bed and threw himself on it. Then he couldn't hold it back anymore. He burst out into tears. Hot and merciless they trickled down his face. His chest ached with pain. But it wasn't a physical pain. Something in his soul was broken. He reached out and grabbed Jimmy's shirt, which was still lying on the ground next to the bed, and pressed it over his face. He took a deep trembling breath. Suddenly Jimmy's smell was all around him. Thomas felt the tears streaming down his face unstoppably. Sobs shook him as he spluttered out sorrowful coughs of tears and pain. Totally desperate and overwhelmed with painful sadness he silently cried into the soft linen.

* * *

_**Okay, I know Thomas's background is not the best topic for an argument but I couldn't think of anything else. Alright, so the shadows begin to settle around them. One more chapter and then you'll see what makes Thomas feel shattered and desperate. **_


	4. Doubts

**Chapter 4**

**Doubts**

_In fact you only know __if __you know little; with the knowledge grows the doubt._

_#_

_(Jimmy's point of view)_

_What did I do to him? What wrong did I say?_

Jimmy just couldn't understand it. Thomas totally overreacted. What was so bad asking him about his family?

_Why doesn't he want to talk about it?_

_What's bothering him?_

_Why does he lose his temper when I mention the topic?_

_What did he been through that makes him get so angry?_

_It has to be something cruel. Something that happened in his childhood and that he'd never really overcome._

_And you reminded him of that. Great, Jimmy. Good job, really. Now he's mad at you._

_But I just wanted to know something more about him. I couldn't sense his reactions. By the way, I have the right to know more, haven't I?_

Jimmy stared at the ceiling. He welcomed the darkness around him. But at the same time it symbolised the inscrutability of Thomas's character and Jimmy's own ignorance. This all preyed on his mind. He didn't mean to hurt Thomas. He never did. He loved him. But Thomas's behaviour did hurt _him_.

Jimmy sighed.

_Why does he do that?_

_I don't understand it. I've done nothing wrong, haven't I? I just want to love him. If he doesn't feel good, why can't he let me help him?_

Suddenly another thought crossed his mind.

_Maybe he does not want my help._

The thought grew bitter and painful.

_Does he love me? Does he _really_ love me? He always says so but sometimes I'm not that sure…_

_Do you love me, Thomas Barrow?_

* * *

**_A/N: Ok, it was a little exaggerated to let Jimmy doubt that Thomas truly loves him but I need a bit of trouble between them._**


End file.
